Look at this sweet picture of a Junior High girls volleyball team. Do you see the camaraderie as they come together after a game that they had lost to be supportive and encouraging of each other? I hope it makes you smile, if not just a little.
Now look at their knees. What do you see? One of them, only one, has white knee pads on. You see, we bought brand new pads when two weeks into the season my daughter arrives home one day informing me that she “HAS” to have black knee pads. We didn’t have the money for another pair and especially when the first pair had just been purchased (but couldn’t be returned.) This was the breaking point on our wallet after money being poured out on three school retreats, football, and cheer. So we said, “NO, we are not buying you another pair,” talked to her about standing out, wrote the coach and asked if it would be a problem. So here she is in white knee pads in one of the last games of the season.
Yep, we are those parents. We are the ones who won’t buy the black knee pads because the white ones are actually brand new, because we just don’t have the money and actually tell the coach this information. Then last week, I became “that” parent in another way when I stood across from my son’s football coach frazzled and rambling trying to explain why I had to drop off some clothes to put in his bag at that moment in time. I know I looked like a crazy person. Just two hours ago my 16-year-old sat in front of an empty building waiting for 30 minutes past her guitar lessons, because neither my husband, nor I, could be in two places at once. Yep, I can be that one too.
In the last few weeks, I have encountered several posts, articles and even comments about parents which ministry leaders have to interact with. We are put into categories or considered as types so others might better understand our species. On a daily basis many will shrug at our antics, roll their eyes at our inadequacy, and whisper at how we ought to be different. Recently, I realized while I was once the one shrugging, laughing, and rolling eyes behind the backs of parents, I had now become fodder for these conversations.
As I stared at my daughter’s glaring white knee pads I realized three things:
I Don’t Know How I Feel About Labels
I don’t want to be a “type of parent.” These labels ministry folks provide (which quite frankly I have given as well) usually are not positive. (I even have a resource on working with challenging parents.) I know not every parent is easy and we do indeed need to know how to genuinely walk with them. Personally, when I feel like it applies to me, it makes me believe I am endured as my child’s parent, not celebrated, and that I am more of a stereotype than a person. When someone can just push me off and put me in that bucket with those folks, they have not heard my story or gotten to know me or my family. Instead, they think they know me based on a handful of interactions. I think we have to be careful to not use labels as a way to judge parents. Are we using them to help us understand a group of people or make excuses to ignore them?
We Give Students Grace But Not The Parents
How many times do we tell students they belong, and are welcome just as they are? We give space for youth to mess up, ask ridiculous questions and just be themselves. Unfortunately, I hear more often than not, that we try to find ways around parents, rather than inviting them in. This week I had to ask for some grace from some leaders in my children’s lives. Many parents who need it, won’t ask for it. Some of us have students whose parents don’t even come to church. How can we truly embrace them and let them know there is space for them to be imperfect, too?
There’s A Reason Why We Are THAT Parent
I have always envied the parents that seem to have it all together. I always feel like I am one step away from losing the one brain cell I have left. Yet, being this way has made me realize how rarely anyone asks me if I need help, or if there is more going on than what meets the eye. That permission slip is late because we are desperately trying to figure out if we have the money for the trip or need to just tell our kids they can’t go. Both answers take a huge amount of swallowing my pride. You see I didn’t forget the slip, I don’t know what to do with it. Before we point fingers or assume parents are too much or not enough, I wonder if we can see WHY a parent makes the choices they do? When is the last time we sat with them and asked how we can support them? I can say as a parent that it happens less than you might think.
So there might be times when we have to sit with our daughter and explain that she is going to have to have white knee pads in a sea of black ones. I feel more guilty about it than she does. Truthfully, less because she is upset about it, and more because I am afraid for being the fodder for the next “How not to parent” blog. Sometimes I am flakey because I can’t juggle it all. Other times I am over-protective, because letting your kids grow up is hard, and all the time, I love my kids so much I would do anything for them. I am realizing maybe each parent just needs a little more support than I have been willing to give.
Thoughts?
– Leneita
Thank you for your insight.
I’m going to remember this when dealing with parents on my day to day.
It’s just a good reminder, even if you think you treat your parents well.
They are just humans trying to raise smaller humans.
Thank you!!
Thanks for sharing Shawn. Love that point. We are just human trying to raise smaller humans. SO GOOD! Thanks!
One of the best articles I have read on the matter AND witty awesome writing as well!
Thanks for the content, reminder, and the laughs.
Thanks so much for the encouragement Charles!
Great reading
Thanks Lorraine 🙂 You guys do an AMAZING job of keeping all of your family on track!
WOW!!
This really has made me think about how often I get upset with parents (in my head) when they can’t be bothered to bring their kids to youth or when they’re 45 mins late to pick them up. I have never thought about things from a parent’s perspective and this has really helped…
In a way, we are leading our student’s parents as much as we are leading the students. Especially those parents who don’t come to Church. It’s so important that we extend grace and understanding to parents on a regular basis and grab opportunities to pastor them (and sometimes without them even knowing that they’re being pastored).
Dwaine, I think we all get upset with parents when they don’t move the way we think they should. We are collaborating with parents and that is a huge blessing!! I know recently a small group leader of my son’s and I conspired together to help him with a problem, and he was blessed in a way that wouldn’t have worked if we hadn’t done it together.
I love this. And it helps me out a lot honestly.
I’m a youth minister at a small country church receiving part time pay. But I want to do full time work.
I’ve worked there for about 2 and a half years. I’ve been married since July. And I’m 22.
I have been growing our youth ministry in many ways steadily during this time.
The hardest thing I struggle with is the involvement of adults and parents.
I WANT to be able to freely communicat, involve, minister to, serve, rely on, etc. the parents of our youth.
But I’ll be honest…
I have NO IDEA how to begin this.
So, how can I begin to build a “family ministry” instead of just a youth ministry?
Any thoughts or suggestions.
Carson, Please email me at leneitafix@gmail.com and I can send some resources your way 🙂 Here is a really easy place to begin- find creative ways to get to know your parents. You and your team can call parents introduce yourself and tell them one you feel honored they let you speak into the life of their child, then tell them one thing you love about their child. Every parent wants to hear why their kid is great. One of my kids has a strong personality- and when a small group leader turned this on its head and came to me with how much they loved the way she was vocal and wanted to lead, it made me feel like we are at least on the right path with her. Then try getting parents together and hold a brainstorming session of how you can better walk with them. They do need communication but that isn’t it at all. It starts with changing your approach to walking with parents- not in addition to them and it makes all the difference. Email me and we can chat more 🙂
Wow big eye opener. This is a confirmation of something that is in my heart. A lot of times we can just get caught up ministering to the youth and completely forget about the parent. A simple hi and bye type of greeting is all we give them a lot of times. Now that I think about it, there is a great need for the parent to be ministered to. It’s just going to take us as youth volunteers to go out of our way, step out of the normal and meet the need.
Thanks Anthony for being willing to step out of the norm. Yes, a friend said to me a few years ago, “I am so overwhelmed with ONE teen, how do you have 3?” As parents we spend more time overwhelmed than not- but we will never tell the youth leaders. I mean we are supposed to pretend we have it all together right? At least that is how me and many of my friends feel. Just step out and I would love to hear how it goes!
Our sincere thnkas to all the UPCCC staff esp the Gecko, Kookaburra and Bilby teachers for taking such good care of Ethan and Joye. Thank you for making our move to Canberra so much easier. For your smiles and kind words almost everyday without fail. For your patience & guidance, esp with E. We are filled with thnkasgiving as we watch them both grow in confidence and character. And for the loads of fun activities and toys! (even I am envious!) We know we have found a great place when the kids look forward to school every day! Thank you. You’re a fantastic bunch!Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas & New Year!